Today was one of those heart changing kind of days. The kind that changes you in a kind of epic proportion that you don't fully understand until sometime later. I am still piecing together and trying to make sense of all that I experienced since this morning's sunrise.
I started out the day following one of the surgeons on his rounds. Purely for educational purposes. He had around 10 surgical residents along with him and I was amazed at his marvelous, patient, and wise teaching methods. And in less than an hour I saw things that broke my heart. Things that will haunt my dreams and pain that took away my breath. Morphine is not available here, therefore for patients in chronic and intense pain, relief is not found. It is a haunting experience to see the kind of suffering some people experience. The doctor I shadowed told us how difficult he still finds it to witness this even after years of practicing in conditions such as these. For someone like me, it made me wonder where I fit into all of this. I remembered a sweet young girl in India singing praises to God "Break my heart with what breaks yours" and as I walked through those hospital halls I didn't know if I could handle the weight of what that meant. It made me wonder if what I do actually contributes to the greater good. Does designing new water and sanitation systems, assessing the operating issues and making recommendations for improvement make even one iota of a difference? I've reasoned that somehow I hope it does. I hope that providing designs and recommendations to help this hospital run more effectively will somehow indirectly help some of those patients I met today. And yet, it seems like only a drop in oceans vast and deep.
And so I end my day with this. A reminder that I cannot save the world. Not even a little bit. I can only do as Gandalf says decide what to do with the time that is given to me. To offer myself and my skills as some kind of imperfect offering armed with the knowledge that I cannot save the world, but I serve a God who can. A God whose heart breaks with the pain that surrounds me and the injustices that are so rife in the wider world. I end my day knowing this and believing that in among all that pain, there is still hope. It is in the eyes of the child who so shyly smiled at me from his hospital bed. It is in the gentle hands of the surgeon who shows each and every patient remarkable care. It is in me, and it is in you if we allow ourselves to find it.
I started out the day following one of the surgeons on his rounds. Purely for educational purposes. He had around 10 surgical residents along with him and I was amazed at his marvelous, patient, and wise teaching methods. And in less than an hour I saw things that broke my heart. Things that will haunt my dreams and pain that took away my breath. Morphine is not available here, therefore for patients in chronic and intense pain, relief is not found. It is a haunting experience to see the kind of suffering some people experience. The doctor I shadowed told us how difficult he still finds it to witness this even after years of practicing in conditions such as these. For someone like me, it made me wonder where I fit into all of this. I remembered a sweet young girl in India singing praises to God "Break my heart with what breaks yours" and as I walked through those hospital halls I didn't know if I could handle the weight of what that meant. It made me wonder if what I do actually contributes to the greater good. Does designing new water and sanitation systems, assessing the operating issues and making recommendations for improvement make even one iota of a difference? I've reasoned that somehow I hope it does. I hope that providing designs and recommendations to help this hospital run more effectively will somehow indirectly help some of those patients I met today. And yet, it seems like only a drop in oceans vast and deep.
And so I end my day with this. A reminder that I cannot save the world. Not even a little bit. I can only do as Gandalf says decide what to do with the time that is given to me. To offer myself and my skills as some kind of imperfect offering armed with the knowledge that I cannot save the world, but I serve a God who can. A God whose heart breaks with the pain that surrounds me and the injustices that are so rife in the wider world. I end my day knowing this and believing that in among all that pain, there is still hope. It is in the eyes of the child who so shyly smiled at me from his hospital bed. It is in the gentle hands of the surgeon who shows each and every patient remarkable care. It is in me, and it is in you if we allow ourselves to find it.
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